Snapshots

Posted on May 24, 2013 by klstrovas

These days are a blink and I’m a fool if I don’t believe its true. I don’t want to forget…..

telling the kids in the van today that our friends daughters’ were making headbands to sell to raise money for orphans in Ethiopia and Caleb’s immediate reply:

Rylee, can I give you some money so you can buy yourself one from them?

as she got out of the van at her friends’ home he handed her cash from his stash that he always has on hand because he is our very frugal saving one

despite his penny-pinching ways, he has a heart that is gold and he didn’t think twice about gifting not only his sister with a new headband but for a cause that he knew meant something

the bigger ones naturally holding hands with the littles when we walk-I won’t ever not love seeing that

the way Phineas says “I need it” about everything. no ability whatsoever to distinguish need from want. and the application of that to his two year old life is constant entertainment for the rest of us.

how much fun can be had on our giant new bed. ridiculous much. five kids and a daddy wrestling. reading books in heaps of pillows and blankets. middle of the night snuggles when bad dreams keep little people awake.

realizing that if I feel too far away from the one I love in said giant bed, king size pillows are big enough for two.

the endless list of reasons why I’m thankful our kids get to learn at home with me and with each other, that in all its imperfectness (and even now, at the tail end of the year when I’m so ready for summer!), I still believe it’s the best place to be

looking out my window to see this a few hours ago:

Caleb had his magnifying glass and was crawling around with Finn on hands and knees searching for spiders….every time they found one Finn shrieked “PIDER!”

later they spent an hour collecting varieties of mushrooms for their “mushroom museum”

how Finn says thank you every time I change his dirty diapers

the love I get to show through serving these ones in our home by feeding, clothing, driving, teaching, correcting, forgiving and encouraging for hours upon hours every day after day

that my boys notice my sparkle – if its a bracelet or dressy earrings, they notice

whether you’re 10 or freshly 35, the gift of friendship is a profound treasure

these and a thousand more – forcing myself back into the counting of the gifts because I know I need to remember, need to practice what I preached (literally two weeks ago!) and lift my eyes up to where it all comes from

The little things

Posted on May 15, 2013 by klstrovas

Finn’s dripping mouth from finding the runaway dark chocolate covered espresso beans that fell under the counter. As if the boy needed more energy…

His crazy delight in chasing dust particles in the gleaming morning sunshine that somehow still streams in despite what must be the dirtiest windows ever!

Kyler: “Oh mom, guess what Finn loves? He loves it when I put baby spiders all over his naked belly!” (I instruct the removal of dozens of newly hatched miniscule spider babes from the rotund belly of my beloved two year old – but even ten minutes later I am pulling the itsy bitsy’s out of his hair…)

Caleb: “Want to see my new friend?” (he raises his arm and shows me the beautiful yellow moth that he’s “trained” to hang out on his arm – then explains that he’s classified this one using his butterfly and moth field guide)

The snickers’ fairy from church. The sweet lady who I have not even met, who is part of the long line of amazing people who’ve helped with meals during this challenging stretch….how could she have known my penchant for Snicker’s or that putting them into a “salad” might just feel like my birthday came two days early?!

The exceeding relief that comes from crossing “trim goat hooves” off the to-do list, even if it’s 7 weeks overdue.

How Rylee delights in playing vet (but not really playing, because she truly does such a great job!) and doing excellent work treating bloat in one goat with a little homemade remedy.

The book Rylee is writing for her little sister’s birthday on Sunday. All on her own accord. Sweetest thing in the world.

The privilege of sitting for coffee and meeting someone who is bravely, tirelessly standing up for the unborn’s right to life in America and around the world.

Kyler listening to me pray this morning, patiently waiting in the chair next to me for my amen…”Mom, you’re thankful for too many things!”.

The gift of a good day

Posted on January 30, 2013 by klstrovas

Truth be told every day is a good one. Every day holds something of a treasure. The only question is, will I find it? Sometimes I have to look darn hard to see past the wet boots left out again, the sassy attitude, the scale that lies to me every morning and the spilled honey collecting all-things-fuzzy on the kitchen counter.

But for one of my kids a normal day is somewhere on the spectrum of mildly unpleasant to downright dismal. There are daily tears over spelling or something. Sensitivity is high to….well, everything it can feel like. At least two pencils get broken every day over handwriting. Doors slam and words are spoken that break my heart and make me wonder if really I am up to this task.

Nearly every family has someone in them that requires some extra grace. Really, isn’t it every single one of us some days? When I gingerly coach our other kids on how to respond, I often tell them:

You have two choices to make. You get to react in frustration to something that feels largely unfair. Or you get to learn to love when it’s not easy and that’s called grace.

It’s a tightrope that I walk daily and no doubt I am messing it up. No doubt I’m leaning the wrong way part of the time. But my heart is good. And I have to believe that truly that counts for something.

Learning to love when it’s not easy is a life skill we practice on a daily basis around here. By practice I mean, learning it over and over and over again. We may be really behind on multiplication tables, in fact I’m certain of it. But we are learning love, how to give and receive and grow more when you don’t feel like it. These things might top the times tables when all is said and done. Just maybe.

Given that little history, you can imagine my deep delight when we were gifted with TWO days in a row this week of calm responses, reasonable reactions and pleasant conversations. To put the wonder of that into words is beyond me.

It was a break in the rain for me. And I love rain. Really. It brings the greatest beauty to my life. After a long while though, I just get plain tired of being wet. Instead of the beauty that comes from the perennial downpour of wonderful and crazy-tough stuff life brings, I simply want a day of respite.

Not that I feel entitled to it, I don’t. I just want it. Want might be too mild a term. Desperately need it so I can keep stepping forward every day in this one life that is only mine to live, that might be more like it.

So when the days came, they surprised me and they were sweeter than anything. I have relished every minute. I’ve whispered constant thanks for the gift.

Given just a little bit of reprieve, I’m fairly certain I can weather many more normal-for-me-but-quite-likely-crazy-to-anyone-else days to come…and for that this mama is

yes, thankful, again (you might be tired of hearing it, but that’s okay!).

A boy and his dreams

Posted on August 3, 2012 by klstrovas

Today the wide-eyed one who loves to wonder told me with with brazen confidence:

See that tree mama? What I’m gonna do is climb it to the top and jump out after I make some wings. I’m going to glide down (a brother interjected, “won’t you FALL?”) Oh no, I won’t fall I will GLIDE. It’s going to be great!

I smiled at the blue-eyed one. Much of life seems to bear down hard on this precious son. The way he feels and learns and sees and hears makes for
o-v-e-r-w-h-e-l-m-e-d him more often than I wish. Who am I to crush his dreams? Who am I to be the voice of reason and tell him he can’t and it won’t work and here are 10 reasons why that is a terrible idea?

How many times have I crushed him already? Not been tender enough when he was (slightly) injured for the millionth time and I could not muster one more ounce of compassion? This the one child that managed to break his foot simply leaning back on a kitchen chair because he could not sit still through dinner. How have I taken the fun out of something meant to be lighthearted when all he wanted was to dream big?

He’s hard at work behind me right now. The sweet grunts and groans of boy deep in his work. Believing big that he can do something great. Is it my job to tell him he can’t fly? He can’t change the world? Just because I feel so darn grumpy this morning? Or just because the world is a terrifying place where the most unimaginable things happen? Every. Single. Day?

He just finished the work. “I’m going out to fly mama!” Hope filled and an ear-to-ear grin. “I’m right behind you, hang on” I call to him.

I grab a camera and chase the one who I know will one day conquer great things, for all the small he has to learn to conquer everyday.

“Do you think its going to work? I’ll climb up and you hand me my wings so they don’t break, okay? (he pauses) Maybe I should come down a few branches and try lower first?”

He trusts me, implicitly, despite my daily failing him. He knows I’m in his corner. Despite the thousand times I’ve wondered why he didn’t get a better mother than me, somehow he loves this one that he has. He asks if I think this is the right height. I breathe relief. I didn’t want to say it. Thankful he figured it out on his own. He waits and shouts “READY!” and jumps.

My eyes well up behind the lens because its not every day I see this kind of sheer glee from him. I love it. I love his sparkle and his creativity and his determination. I love the way he cradles grasshoppers and moths in his hands. The way he knows the sounds of different birds in our yard. I literally relish every single second because I know it won’t last an hour, maybe not even five minutes but the taste of this moments, these moments with this boy….they are so sweet my heart hurts.

Where big brother goes, little brothers long to follow. This does not always pan out well here. But it did today. Little brother searched for his own cardboard, his own scissors and tape and formulated his own ‘wings’. The littlest brother was happy to swing in the hammock chair while the big boys proved their awesomeness. The tree proved a challenge so we moved the picnic table to the edge of the deck which was a perfect, still challenging but not quite so crazy, height.

Someday his jump will take him out of my nest and into the wide world. I will miss his good days and his bad. I will miss the way he tucks himself under my arm on the couch because someday he won’t fit there. I will not always be his leading lady so I am determined to find more days like this one and love them with all my heart.

One year ago today…

Posted on February 24, 2012 by klstrovas

…I was getting pulled over on 405 by a police officer with all 4 kids in the car. Seconds before I saw his lights I’d hung up the phone with my midwife. I had barely gotten on the freeway and could not figure out why he was pulling me over. He walked up to my window and I was unmistakably, enormously pregnant. He asked me if I knew my tabs were expired. Five months expired. As soon as I opened my mouth I’m sure he regretted it – it went something like this, with no breaths for air:

Oh my goodness no! In October, what? I thought they mailed you that little postcard that told you to get new tabs. That’s right, I remember someone telling me that they don’t mail it anymore, have to save money somewhere. But I never looked at my plates so I didn’t notice. Oh my. The midwife just called me and I just hung up with her when you were pulling me over. She’s going to come to my house in two hours, TWO HOURS, and I’m going to have a baby. TODAY! So I’m, you know, a little frazzled and excited and I wasn’t expecting it to be today and I’ve got to get home and is there any way I can renew my tabs after the baby comes?

I’m pretty sure that wasn’t all but you get the idea. I was a mile-a-minute to the moon bursting with excitement and nervousness and could not care less about my tabs just had to go home to get my home birth box all set up and my kitchen clean and have a baby and all. As soon as I let him talk he said, “Oh wow, yeah you have a lot going on. You get yourself home safely and have yourself a baby. Just renew those tabs as soon as you can.” I smiled and said I would and headed home.

I made the calls and picked up the house. My sister started a dinner that would feed the midwife and whoever else was at our house. The whole story was that the weather was cold and it was supposed to snow. I have a history of fast labors, barely made it to the birth center last time. And I was very progressed and ready but not in active labor. So she gave me the option of them breaking my water so that we would know for sure that the midwife would be present for the delivery. My husband had read the pamphlet entitled “What to do if baby arrives before midwife” and he said he really didn’t want to utilize the info. Who could blame him.

The midwife and her student went to get coffee after my water broke and pretty soon I called them back to say that things were moving right along. About three hours later a plump and purple-ish baby boy was born in our bedroom – with Rylee behind me rubbing my back and my mom and sister standing next to me with Kyler and Audrey. His daddy helped catch him and told us all “It’s a boy!”. He got some oxygen and perked up and all I could think was “there are rolls EVERYWHERE”. He was so plump and round. After snuggling and getting rubbed off, he weighed in and everyone gasped. 10 pounds 11 ounces. I was instantly thankful that he’d been born that day and not one day later!

We all sat on my bed together and soaked it all in. It was the experience I had dreamed of but it still seemed very surreal. It was bedtime so my mom and dad helped get kids in bed and we settled in for the night. We marveled together as we watched him sleep and counted ourselves tremendously blessed.

One year later and we’re not sleeping much but we wouldn’t trade the sleep for anything. Phineas is a perfectly wonderful addition to our family. We joke that he’s like a movie star in his own home. Every time he wakes up from a nap there is fanfare and greetings galore for his sleepy, smiley face. His brothers love to crash trucks to make him laugh. His sisters love to snuggle and play baby with him. His daddy loves to hold him in just the right spot on his shoulder. His mama kisses his face and head all over. Every single day.

Yes, it’s loud. Yes, there is chaos. Yes, we’ve got hard days just like everyone does.

But oh my, the love…there is
so.
much.
love.